5) If you are posting a thread about how terrible your plight in life is, you are required to make a post directly comparing how awful your situation is compared to a Darfur War Orphan, or you will be banned. I'm not kidding about this rule: You literally must go out of your way and explain to the rest of the Something Awful community on how miserable you are in comparison to a starving African child , who's entire family was murdered in front of him.
6) If you are making a thread where you boast about a physical attribute or your social prowess, you must provide undeniable proof of it or face a potential probation. This will probably require a photo of the braggadocio along with your user name. Likewise, if you make a reply asking for a poster to "post pics", without posting a full body picture of yourself, while holding up a sign with today's date & user name, then you will be banned.